Among the Roses

My favorite blogger, Vivianne Audi, was recently answering question on Instagram and one of them was asking why she started her blog. Her answer was because of mental health reasons after a bad break up, it was like her outlet, a way to find her happiness. It made me think of why I started this blog, and the connection it has with my last collection, Among The Roses, and my struggles with self-love. While this blog and website as a whole was mainly for employment purposes, I've come to find that I actually really enjoy blogging, and can use it in the same way that Vivianne did.

My home page is dedicated entirely to my Senior Collection II. All through out my college career, I've picked a part every design I created, illustrated or actually sewn. I have never been truly happy with something until I created this collection and I think it's because of how personal it is to me.

I just want to start off by saying that I would describe myself as a happy, outgoing person. I try my best to always stay positive, not only for myself, but for the people around me. So it makes sense why I never really felt comfortable explaining the inspiration behind my collection. It feels so small and insignificant compared to what life has thrown at others. I didn't think people would actually believe that I struggle with self-esteem. I think that people do see me as happy and confident, and it's not that I put up a facade but I definitely have my moments of being neither of those things. I've lived with my flaws for my whole life, things that other people can't see. It also made me feel weak and vulnerable, like I was asking for people to pay attention to me and make me feel better. I didn't want people to see me in any other way than what I show in person or on Instagram, especially people who don't really know me at all. It took a lot for me to post the pictures of my collection even though I'm extremely proud of it because I had to find the perfect wording for the caption. I didn't want people to think I was exaggerating how I was feeling even though I was hurting.

So the reasoning for this post is to get deep about this collection.

The struggle with self-love is nothing new to me. I have my ups and downs just like everyone else. Days when I want to take a million selfies and days when I just want to cry because I feel like I'll never be good enough. The months leading up to the concept research for this collection, the struggle to love my self was very prominent. I get down on myself A LOT. And sometimes you need people there to pick you up. The person I wanted to be there, wasn't and I felt worthless even though I was surrounded by people who love and support me. I was sad, my heart literally felt heavy all the time. I just remember thinking, "If so and so doesn't love me, no one else will". That mentality crushed me. I realized that I needed to snap out of it or I would go on living my life never allowing myself to be happy.

I decided to make this collection about self love as a way to pull myself out of the rut I was in. It was my creative outlet to showcase not how I was feeling but what I wanted to feel. I've always been someone who writes down their feelings. But what I loved about going to school for fashion design is that you can take the way you're feeling or what you're going through and represent it through the process of also doing what you love. You can take your pain and physically make it into something beautiful, something that means a lot to you, because it has a part of you in it.

I know it might seem a little weird to make a bridal collection about self-love but I based it around the idea that you have to love yourself first in order to be able to fully commit to and love another person and have a healthy relationship.

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Close up of one of my research pages.

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I found myself always looking to others for reassurance and to love what I couldn't about myself. But that's not how it works. People will love you, but they can't fix you. True healing starts when you are ready to heal yourself. And I was more than ready to be happy again. So within this collection, I chose to represent the strength it takes to over come any obstacle you face, big or small, internal or external. The lessons, the growth and the beauty that comes after each struggle you make it through. And just the process and importance of loving yourself, feeling secure with who you are. It's so important to be in touch with yourself and focus on the good people and things in your life because one person letting you down may seem like the end of the world at the time, but in the end it's the people who get you through, yourself included, who matter the most.

Which gets me to the next piece of this collection. Empowering others. Yes, yes, yes, self-love is important and you can't always rely on others for your happiness. But that doesn't mean we can't all support each other and be there when the people who mean the most to us need it. Every one needs encouragement sometimes. Can you imagine what a better world we would live in if everyone was just supporting each other and hyping each other up instead bringing each other down??? Maybe self-love wouldn't be such a hard concept for people to grasp.

I decided to name this collection "Among The Roses" because if you take a look around you, you are surrounded by beautiful people, all of whom have or might be struggling with something. We ourselves could be one of the beautiful people, in someone else's eyes, surrounding them, even if we don't know it.

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This collection helped me to find my confidence in myself and my designs, and I'm forever grateful for the chance to express myself, my aesthetic and who I am as a person and designer with in it. It's not to say that the research process and creation of this collection put all of my broken pieces back into place, but it was a start.

Self-love seems like a struggle that will last forever. It comes and goes, but what matters is that you keep going. Just take a look at how far you've already come. Find what makes you happy, and give it your all. It may seem easier said than done but everything takes time and if you really want it, you have to try.

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"There are far more beautiful things ahead than any we leave behind."